#introduction

Time for another introduction.

I'm one of those fucked-up human experiments the CIA got up to in the 70s. I was never allowed any social support or validation. About the only messaging I've gotten from my people is, "fuck off and die", and it generally wasn't delivered gently. It was delivered on the end of a boot.

I got the ninja childhood and was supposed to be an assassin for the intelligence agencies. They had me brutalized from birth to toughen me up. They went too far, though. I got tough enough to solve my problems without violence. I have a fifty year track record of peaceful conflict resolution. I'm not a pacifist, it's just the violence usually causes the next problem.

The last time I tried to "do", rather than simply "be", I tried to go to Liberia to get kidnapped by a warlord. I'm fully confident I could have talked my way out of that situation, but they wouldn't sell me a ticket. I ended up bottoming out in South Africa, a country with 7x the US murder rate and a flourishing arms industry. Spent a month or two on the streets and in homeless shelters. I did fine. I generally get respect in proportion to how dangerous somebody actually is. I've known a lot of very, very dangerous people in my day. I'm one of those people who lives outside the law and follows his own moral code. I'm allowed to do any crime I want and I know I'll never see the inside of a courtroom. I have a head full of state secrets that can never be spoken on any kind of formal record. I just don't want to crime. I mastered that shit as a teenager. It's why they were never able to entrap and enslave me. I just want a little life now. I spend my life drunk, and alone in a room.

So I'm pretty legendary among the world's spooks. And, for some reason I haven't figured out, Hollywood. That has something to do with role models, and the fact that atheists aren't allowed to be one, at least until recently. Feel free to shed some light if you know. Monty Python's "Life of Brian" was named after me, and Luke Skywalker's vague hero's journey was another projection of how my life might turn out. The Eric Cartman character is who Stone and Parker expected me to be--I was the onliest of only children, and raised by the whore the state used to neutralize my father--but I used to smoke weed with their drug dealer and they found out I'm a solidly decent guy. I pretty much only and always operate out of positive motivations, so they elevated Butters. I'm Butters.

Lately, there's been a rash of entertainment inspired by me. The movie "Nobody" was so overtly about me it's how I learned I inspire movies. I wrote half of that one and did the other half. Ryan Gosling seems to have taken a shine to me--"The Grey Man" and "The Fall Guy" are basically giant Easter Eggs about my life. Ryan Gosling is what I would look like if I was pretty. Really, I'm like the Kevin Spacey character from 'American Beauty'. I test high for forgettability. It's a useful trait in an assassin. I'm also dead silent when I walk. I recently accidentally snuck up on a pit bull and got bit. Ninja. Anyhoo, the Black Mirror episode "Joan is Awful" is about how I've been character assassinated. Hell, they even fictionalized my old girlfriend into a movie called "Class Rank".

Every time they try to take me out and I come out on top, my legend grows. Last time, they had me hit by an SUV by fucking with the traffic lights. Multiple fractures of multiple vertebrate at both impact points, but I reacted like a stunt man and presented my back flat to the bumper. This way I didn't torsion and didn't suffer any nerve damage. I didn't know about the traffic light thing yet, but I have good instincts in high stress situations and could tell it wasn't the drunk kid's fault, so I told her to get out of there before she got jammed up with the law. I just went home and sat still in a chair for a couple months. It knocked an inch and a half off my height, but I'm still walking.

These days I walk around in the center of a web of local and federal agents. I understand. I'm extremely dangerous. They literally don't make people as dangerous as me any more. Clinton canceled the ninja program. I choose not to be dangerous, but they're worried I might choose otherwise someday. What I chose was to be a scholar and a philosopher. I'm an autodidactic polymath who's been at it for over forty years now. I'm hyperlexical and started reading Stephen King in second grade. I read "The Executioner's Song" in fourth and "The World According to Garp" in fifth. I'm a little weak on the math based side of life because I need a teacher for that, but I did pass calculus without much effort. Twice.

I'm as close to Diogenes the Cynic as you'll get for somebody who grew up with indoor plumbing. He's the waybackest person of which I know that had it figured out.

Oh, and I know my way around a computer. I worked in tech three blocks South of Wall Street.

Oh yeah! I'm better at getting high than most people you'll meet. I once took 1200 mics of old-school LSD 25 and rode it just fine.

This probably reads like crazy talk, but it's all true. It's who I am. It's my identity, and sometimes I just have to sing out. I'm still not allowed any social support or validation. I'm not even allowed a therapist. Just rotgut vodka, qBittorrented movies, and some video games that I'm too old and drunk to play well. I have one autistic friend who helps me, and I read books over the phone to a blind Indian. That's my life.

I miss women. I was good at love. I fall easily and am totally honest and open about it. I'm totally straight but gender-queer. I'd say I'm 55% yin to 45% yang.

For now I'm working on getting a cat. I want some goddamn thing to love. Wish me luck.

This guy also got the ninja childhood. His government did the same kind of shit to him as a kid that mine did to me. You can kinda tell he's more than just a performer, he's got real fire in his belly. Video by Neil Blomkamp:

https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=HcXNPI-IPPM