Day Use X Mockin' Uh<p>I've been sober since July 8th, 2022.</p><p>The thing that gets me, and irritates me personally more so than if this were not the case, is that I don't even go through any of the mental gymnastics whenever I think about alcohol.</p><p>I don't think, "eh, maybe I could just have one"; I don't think, "eh, I deserve this" because I've been having either a good day or a bad one; I don't think anything approaching that.</p><p>I think:<br>"If I want to, I can go to the same gas station where used to buy this stuff, right now, and buy a bottle, and crack it the second I walk back in the door and start chugging. Maybe today's boring just like yesterday was, and every day in recent memory, and tomorrow. Maybe I should just get absolutely hammered right now, alone, like the good old days. Maybe that's not even what I deserve at all; maybe it's exactly what I don't; maybe that's exactly why I should."</p><p>You wanna know what else?<br>If I didn't think like this, I would've just done it already, and kept doing it, and my liver probably would've exploded by now. I talked myself into drinking as much as I did by being a lunatic, my decision to stop is perhaps the single most rational I've ever made, and I don't stay sober by continuing to think rationally because that's precisely the aforementioned lunatic wants me to do.</p><p>I stay sober and by extension alive by making peace with the full extent to which my own self destruction really is. That doesn't mean I have to agree; I don't. Disagreement, by definition, necessitates that I acknowledge that that's actually how my brain is wired, and call it what it is. That's how this ends if I ever go back, and I'm not even gonna justify any of it or even pretend to, even to myself. I'm just gonna go straight from 0 to 1,000,000 because that was the original plan. That's why I don't. Either I die of old age or die trying, or I die trying to. There is no third option.</p><p>I don't hate alcohol; I love that shit.</p><p>Fuck alcohol.</p><p><a href="https://defcon.social/tags/Sober" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Sober</span></a> <a href="https://defcon.social/tags/Alcohol" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Alcohol</span></a> <a href="https://defcon.social/tags/Addiction" class="mention hashtag" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">#<span>Addiction</span></a></p>